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Mum took out the dvd of my granddad's funeral to watch yesterday. I couldn't bear to watch it with her and my grandma, so i quickly left the house to come to church. I started to wonder what would i say now, if i could still talk to my ahkong..
"Dear AhKong..
It's been 195 days since you left us. I miss you
sorely and I wish you didnt have to go. But its ok, I'm sure you're happy and
jumping and healthy in heaven. How is heaven? We're all the same since you left.
Ah Ma's staying with me now, and it's such a joy to see her everyday..i wish you
were here too. I remember when we just moved into Lor ah soo, you and ah ma
would come over to stay...I remember you slipped and fell on my stairs cos they
are not straight...and it was Jared who noticed the stairs! (:Mummy and Jie are in Phuket now. Daddy is at work
now. its just me, ah ma and yayuk at home. I'm sure Ah ma misses you
alot...Mummy cries when she thinks of you too. The picture of you and me is on
my wall now, so that even when i grow old, i will never forget you.I'm sorry that i never said i love you before you
left. Maybe i did, but in a "goodbye ah kong, love you! see you!" as i left your
house. I'm sorry i never visited you enough,i'm sorry i got too caught up with
my life that i never talked to you or saw you. I'm sorry that i failed you. I
didnt become a doctor...you kept on thinking i was going to be one. and i never
beared to tell you the truth. It was this fact, that made me not want to see you
cos i'll just feel i let you down.Even though mummy would tell me that you ask
for me constantly, i never did visit you enough.I never thanked you for bringing me up. i'm sorry i
never appreciated the little things you did for us, the grandchildren. How you
always were so interested in ALL our lives. From bathing me when i was little,
making sure my hair was dry before i slept....till knowing when i took my drving
test...and pestering mummy to buy me a car.."So many things i wanna tell you now...i never told
you i broke up with malcolm...cos it'll break your heart too..cos i knew you
liked him very much...i'm sorry i didnt do well for my A levels...and i didnt
tell you... I'm sorry i didn't go visit you one day before God called you
home...i'm sorry i was working...and didnt make time to rush to the
hospital..I'm sorry i thought you were just in another normal ward, i didnt know
you were in the CCU.I'm sorry i dint wake up at 4am to send mummy and
daddy to ttsh on 10th march...to see you the last time. When i finally got up
and speeded down, you were lifeless and cold. I walked you to the mortuary in a
daze..i watched as you came in the coffin..i watched as you were brought into
the flames at mandai.. It happened so fast.I will remember when you were healthy. I will miss
you kissing me and hugging me. I will miss your singing..and super long
prayers..and your phone calls! i miss talking to you on the phone..and you
praying for me. )):Ahkong, i wanna be like you. Strong in your faith in
God. I promise you i'll make you proud. Uncle Eddy told me that you'll be
waiting for us at the gates of heaven, and you'll recognise us! i look forward
to that day. I'm sorry i didnt say goodbye to you, or be a good enough
granddaughter..I'm sorry that the only time i cried was when you left. If i
could turn back time, i'd make sure i'll be a better granddaughter. Guess its
too late now.I'll be having my 21st birthday party soon! it'll be
at the very same bungalow that uncle Billy had his 21st party. You were there!
Mummy tells me that you and ah ma used to bring mummy and her siblings to
the beach there... i wish you could be there on the 30th, celebrating with
me. Your absence is so evident, but i dont blame you...you had to go.Your departure has taught me to treasure my loved
ones more. Esp ahma..she doesnt have long more...and it breaks my heart.. I'm
not sure how i'll take that, when it eventually comes.Everyone misses you so much..
Love,
sharon.
